Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Space aliens among us

HK and I have been friends for nearly 13 years, though we haven't lived in the same city since college and we cycle in and out of being in extremely frequent or only occasional phone contact.

For the past six or eight months we've been averaging a phone call a week, and at some point over the summer, after recounting the moronic behavior of a couple of family members, a mutual acquaintance, and the guy she was then dating, HK concluded, "GOD. I think they're all space aliens. There's just no way they're from this planet."

I don't know whether space-alienhood is an idea that HK has cherished for a long time and that I'd simply never heard before, but it immediately became our first and best explanation for all the idiocies and iniquities perpetrated in our vicinity.

A large number of our phone conversations now involve some version of this dialogue:
". . . so I don't know what the fuck her deal is. Who does that? No one does that. It's not normal."

"What a loser."

"It's just weird. I mean. . . it is weird, right? Like, really weird?"

"It's only weird if you're a human. She might be a space alien."

"Another one! God, they're everywhere."

"It's a problem."

"They're taking over."

"The government's gotta get on that shit."
So, from me to you, and just in time for the holidays: an interpretive key to the baffling behavior of your colleagues, friends, and relatives. There are more space aliens out there than you'd think.


Belle said...

Oh yes. I have many in my classes. To whom do we address our concerns? Who is the government official that takes care of aliens, space?

Flavia said...

I only wish I knew! I suspect the gummint is keeping this all very hush-hush.

moria said...

Honey, you got it. After twenty-four hours back in the heart of New England suburbia, all I can say is:


MountainLaurel said...

That's going to help a lot this holiday. Thanks! :-)

And, as for control, I think you need to keep your eye out for Will Smith. ;-)

What Now? said...

This reminds me of the ongoing explanation for all bizarreness in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In the face of anything otherwise inexplicable and clearly abnormal, one could always turn to the handy fact that Sunnydale was located on a Hellmouth, which ultimately could explain anything.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, is THAT it? It does explain *everything*. But - I wonder if I am one too!!!

Flavia said...

Theodora: no, see! you can't think that way. It should never ever cross your mind that you might be the space alien. It's all those other people who are the weirdos.

I just floated this theory to my old friend Victoria (in part by way of explaining the behavior of some of the people in her department, in part by way of commentary on things in my own life), and she reminded me of something she'd said this summer--rather profoundly, I think!--which is that one should never assume that other people actually know why the hell they do the things they do.

Still, I resist this idea. I much prefer to believe they're all space aliens, following a logic that, while it might be obscure to me, at least makes sense to someone.

Scrivener said...

I've been using my own version of the space alien theory quite a bit since this summer, but don't think I've ever quite said it out loud. Do you think if I explain to the divorce lawyers that Ex is an alien it would help or hinder my case?