. . . but this time, not as a scholar. Who knew that blogging could add another twist to that epidemic disease, Academic Imposter Syndrome?
Last night I had a dream that I met up with a blogger whom I read faithfully and absolutely adore--and who I have reason to believe at least partly reciprocates the sentiment. We went out for a meal and then hung out with some of the blogger's friends/roommates/colleagues (it wasn't clear to me exactly who they were, but they were mostly in the background, chatting with each other).
Our interactions weren't awkward, exactly, but they weren't comfortable, either--which is quite the opposite of my experience in my actual blogger meet-ups. I was eager to like this person, and I mostly did, but I felt that s/he wasn't really warming up to ME, and as time went on I started feeling increasingly anxious: we'd had great email and comments exchanges! I knew this person! What was wrong?
Finally, s/he turned to me and said, "Look, I want to be up-front about this: I don't think this is working. We obviously don't mesh in real life." The blogger paused. "You aren't who you are on your blog."
But I am! I said. Maybe I'm--maybe I've been acting a little reticent today. But I'm totally totally that person. Ask any of my friends who read me. I'm, like, at least 85-90% that person.
"I don't think so. I expected . . . something different."
And I woke up feeling as devastated as if it had actually happened.